January 22, 2013

Behind The Blog: WEIGHT LOSS

Trying to lose weight sucks. I don't mean to demotivate you but it's true. It sucks big time. Some bloggers only make it look easy as pie because we secretly hate you.

 No. Not really. We don't hate you. We just like the compliments we get when we reach our target weight in no time. It makes us feel awesome and superhuman! Don't get me wrong, we're not 100% evil. Some of us sincerely want to encourage you to be as miserable as we are inspire you. Some of us also want to preach and draw attention to our abs admirable restraint.

Trying to lose weight is difficult, maintaining weight even more so. Behind the blog, it takes sweat, tears, periodic bad breath (not because you have poor oral hygiene but because your body goes into ketosis when you're on a strict diet), damaged knees, hyperacidity and Yoda's discipline (occasional laxatives and appetite suppressants help too. What? Don't judge me!) to get rid of unwanted fats. If you're naturally skinny and you can stuff your face with cakes without gaining a pound, I fucking hate you! I used to be skinny too. I was all elbows and ribs until I got old and sad... and crabby.

Here are the reasons why losing weight (and keeping it off) sucks.

1. Deprivation. 
Yes, you need to deny yourself of your favorite treats and substantially cut your food intake. You have to avoid social gatherings to be able to stick to your daily caloric limit. You will always feel hungry but you need to fight the urge to demolish an entire pizza.

Also, when you're on a hotness weight loss plan, you need support. You'll find yourself frequenting healthy living websites and blogs (because your friends are not helpful at all). They will tell you how you should substitute certain treats with fruits and other healthier options. 


Instead of indulging in ice cream for dessert, why not have a plate of mixed fruits? Fruits taste good and won't go straight to your hips.

Are you kidding me? Ice cream versus mixed fruits? I'll take ice cream anytime but since I want to lose/maintain weight, I am forced to delude (and deprive) myself instead. I convince myself that my tastebuds are dancing with joy whenever I'm munching on a carrot. How pathetic is that?

2. Betrayal.
Speaking of social gatherings, let's talk about friends. Your friends make you fat. They often express their wish to hang out with you. You know that hanging out involves food and drinks. Also, friends are evil. Notice that if you're vocal about losing a few lbs, they would shake their heads and tell you "You're perfect the way you are."? Don't EVER believe them. 

FRIENDS. ARE. EVIL. They hope to make you fat so that they'd look noticeably hotter than you. Don't make friends. It's better to be forever alone (and skinny, baby)!

 3. Accusations. 
 You'll often hear "You look fine, why do you want to lose weight?" and some people will assume you have an eating disorder or body dysmorphic disorder. What they don't understand is that there are people like me who are tired of looking "just fine". I wanna look drool-worthy sexy, for fuck's sake! Is that so bad? I only live once and I'm shallow!

4. Guilt.
If you want to lose/maintain weight, exercising is a must. Notice how fitness websites/blogs make you feel guilty for not having the time to work out? You might be working two jobs, juggling work and family, hardly getting any sleep anymore yet these assholes will try to insinuate you're lazy for not being able to visit the nearest gym. They will also make you feel guilty for eating a slice of chocolate cake on your birthday. It's maddening, I know.

5. Hallucinations.
Have I mentioned you will always feel hungry? No? Well, you will always feel hungry. Food and only food will occupy your thoughts. You will be bitter and grouchy. Soon, you will find yourself seeing fellow humans as walking and talking cheeseburgers or giant gummy bears. You will be 100% unhappy and the odds of you resorting to cannibalism are pretty high.

In the blogosphere, things aren't always what they seem. Don't feel bad if you didn't lose 10 lbs within 2 weeks because, in all honesty, it isn't as effortless as we (*some* bloggers) make it appear to be.

Pieces of friendly advice before I end this post: sugar-free chewing gums work wonders in combating the hunger pangs. You can also spiral into clinical depression (like me) and pray that your antidepressants will kill your appetite. I wouldn't really suggest the latter.

January 19, 2013

If You're Happy And You Know It, I Don't Care.

I'm a Crazy Cat Lady. Literally.

I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and I know that nobody gives a fuck but... whatever. I needed something to do before my meds kick in and here I am.

When I was diagnosed with it, the first thing I asked my doctor, rather dramatically just to spice things up a little because the consultation was getting dreary, was "Whyyy? Oh, whyyyyyyy?. Although my life is imperfect, it is far from unsatisfactory. And I got boobs, so what's there to be depressed about? He then told me that it might be a neurochemical imbalance (thanks for the screwed up genes, my dear forefathers!) and that there's only so much I could do.

Imagine not being able to feel any pleasure or contentment. Your emotions are limited to anger, self-loathing and emptiness. You detach yourself from family and friends; in fact, you wouldn't even feel any love for them anymore (Heck, I didn't even love the one person I cherished the most in this world:  myself). Death is a fate you'd gladly embrace because life sucks. Let's not forget the physical manifestations such as debilitating migraine, nausea and vomiting, severe anxiety attacks, chest pain, fatigue, insomnia, etc... In a nutshell, MDD is a bigger bitch than I am. But at least I got boobs.

 Several months ago, I dismissed the idea of relying on medications because I am one arrogant douchebag  clearly underestimated MDD. When I realized I couldn't really handle it anymore (and that, if left untreated, it could jeopardize my marriage and relationship with my family), I came running to a doctor because life is too short to spend it feeling miserable.

And with medications come stigma and unsolicited advice:

"Everyone gets depressed. I was depressed too when my gold fish died." 

"So... you're really crazy?"

"You just need exercise."

"Go out and meet new people."

"Stop being a brat and get over it."

"Try eating chocolates." 

"Pray and go to church every Sunday. Jesus will help you find the way."

"Just read books and keep yourself busy."

"You have a great life. Why can't you be more appreciative of what you have?"

As if it were that easy.

 Some people are assholes. It's too bad that MDD doesn't make me eligible for insanity defense in court should I decide to strangle someone with his/her own tongue.

On a brighter note, antidepressants make me lose my appetite. C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y.

I might be having a THIGH GAP soon. Hrhrhrrhrhrhrhr!

What? My therapist told me to focus on positive things! 

January 09, 2013

The Badassery of Boy Cut

It's a little late but I would like to greet each and everyone of you a Happy 2013. May you accumulate riches, fulfill your dreams, reach your target weight and get adopted by cats this year. Cats are awesome.

Now that the holiday greeting is out of the way, can I bombard you with my photos? It's my favorite hobby, second only to camwhoring.

Short hair is badass.

I've been called "brave" on more than a few occasions because of my drastic haircut. My black soul is reveling in the fact that people think it was bravery but the truth is, courage had nothing to do with it. I'm simply as nutty as a fruitcake when bored, nothing more. Also, the fact that my hair grows vampirically fast makes it so easy for me to cut it all off every couple of years or so. Which reminds me... I trimmed at least an inch off my hair the other night because my fringe was already past my eyebrows and I had a mullet (after only 2 weeks). I did it myself using an eyebrow trimmer because... why the hell not? Fortunately, my husband still adores me. I believe he will still find me cute and cuddly even if I shave my head and sprout tentacles on my face. That, my dearies, is called shackles of marriage love.

Here are the reasons why I love rocking a boy cut (No. Penis envy is not one of them. Sorry to disappoint you):

1. You get to save a lot of money. You use very little shampoo, conditioner, and other hair care/styling products. In fact, you don't even need to buy yours anymore. Just borrow your husband's/boyfriend's/brother's. They won't notice. 

2. You have an excuse to wear gigantic earrings without looking like a bar girl. You can have live birds for earrings and people will think you're being artistic. That's how badass short hair is.

Even fruits will look good on you because you're badass. 

3. You can be totally girly without upsetting the wannabe-feminists. You know those pompous hypocrites who think they're the real deal? The ones who believe they are superior to girly girls in every way just because, unlike girly girls, they didn't embrace frills, skirts and heels? Yup. They're the hags ones I'm talking about. But since you cut your hair short, they will think you're one of them. They will misinterpret your hairstyle as celebrating sexuality without having to conform to the society's idea of beauty and femininity. Boy, I wish I were that deep!

4.  You can wear artsy hats and cute headbands without looking like you're trying too hard. People are generally judgmental but for some reasons, they're lenient with short-haired women. You can go over the top without being seen as pathetic or loony.

5. You can wear low necklines without men ogling your chest because they probably think you're a cross-dressing plump boy with manboobs. Most primeval apes men prefer longer hair on women and since you cut yours, your built-in pervert magnet has been substantially dulled (unless you're Halle Berry, Natalie Portman, Audrey Hepburn or a normal person blessed with good genes --- I'm none of the above, FML!). If you're the type of woman who doesn't appreciate being objectified, then short hair is perfect for you.

6. People will think you are smart. I have no fucking idea why. I'm always always ALWAYS mistaken for a bimbo (until I introduce them to my good ol' ancient-civilizations-medieval-torture-methods-evolutionary-biology-obsessed pretentious self --- which I rarely do because I don't really give a flying fuck about what others think of me) when my hair is long. Humans are weird.

I don't have a smart-looking picture, so let me show you my shaved armpit. 

7. Your gal/gay friends wouldn't shut up about how cute you look... because they're the only ones who can appreciate your haircut and because they're your friends and they probably owe you money so they feel obligated to say something nice.

8. It's very low maintenance. You know why? Because everyday is a bad hair day. It's such a bitch to style that you will eventually get depressed,  buy a box full of expensive lace wigs, get broke, give up, wear it as is, and grow it out. Be prepared to hear comments like: 

"Your hair looks so unkempt and messy."

"Your hair looks greasy." (from all the hair gel you put)

"Is your hair unevenly cut?" 

Fret not!  Even if your short hair makes you look like a pom pom or a very hairy coconut, you can always claim that it's styled that way.