October 31, 2012

Let The Sunshine In

I haven't been having a good week.  I badly want to chew people's heads off.  

Anyhow, I rarely wear this dress because the fit is bad (quite loose and very short) and it makes me look like I'm sprouting fairy wings out of my hips. It's not the most flattering (Hey, Tara. You look better in it!). 

Oh, it's also my grandma's birthday today. It's not supposed to make me feel melancholic but hey... even a psycho brat like me has a heart. Happy Birthday, Lola. I hope you have an internet connection in heaven. I love you. So very much! 
P.S. I'll be uploading some pretty and shiny digital freebies for your blogs soon. They will all be girly and fairytale-ish. Think of unicorn vomit and cuppiecake glitter farts (I have no idea what I just typed). 

dress: Room 707
shoes: from Korea
beret: Accessorize

October 26, 2012

Be A Celebrity Blogger!

Bloggers are the new A-Listers these days. They set the trends, attend the hottest events, grace the society pages and are hounded by various brands who want to effectively promote their products; they can be very influential. Some get to rub shoulders with the crème de la crème, receive a lot of freebies (because, seriously, who doesn't like freebies?), and behave like bratty, greedy, self-entitled douchebags become stars in their own right.

If  you are a blogger who wants to make it to the top, then you are in the right place. I'm here to help. All you need to do is follow these simple steps. You will, without fail, get ninja kicked thoroughly in the face be in the scene in no time with gazillions of admirers worshipping you from afar.

1. Think and act like a star because you ARE a star. It doesn't matter if your only fan is your pet hamster (I'm pretty sure your hamster doesn't even admire you one bit; hamsters are not the admiring sort, FYI) because once you channel your inner diva, you will get noticed and everyone will see your awesomeness.

2.  Flood your Facebook/Twitter/other social networking accounts with "Please visit my blog and leave some comments.", "Please give my blog some lovin'", and other phony I'm-so-cute-and-lovable-I'm-begging-you-to-visit-my-blog-because-if-you-don't-I'll-be-sad-boohoo messages. Do not forget to sound overly friendly.

3. Once you've lured some people into your blog and you finally got the number of comments you wanted, IGNORE THEM. You're a celebrity. You don't associate yourself with peasants!

4. Refer to your blog visitors, online friends and fellow bloggers as your die-hard fans. They must be, because you're the next big thing!

5. Refer to yourself in the third person because it's super cool. Make it sound like you're the best thing that ever happened to this planet since the invention of sanitary pads.

6. Don't waste a cent on what the masses buy. You're a celebrity. You deserve the best and the most expensive. Make ordinary people feel how unfortunate and impoverished they are.

Can't afford luxury brands? Sell your kidney or half your liver.

And oh, never fail to show off your stuff, even on your blog. Especially on your blog. Rub it in those peasants' grubby faces.

7. When attending events, appear bored and unapproachable. Don't look eager or friendly --- people will think you're trying too hard. They should feel honored you are there. Also, don't let anyone take photos of you unless they've been sent by a luxury lifestyle magazine.  Your face cannot end up in a sleazy tabloid beside the feature about a farmer's wife who got impregnated by a buffalo! You also don't want your pictures to drive an adolescent boy to do-something-adolescent-boys-often-do-when-their-parents-are-not-at-home --- it's creepy. 

8. Update your fans. They need to know what you're up to. You owe them that much. Plus they ought to see how fabulous your celebrity life is.


And oh, an outfit + hair post.  :)  I wore this to annoy my husband. He absolutely loathes this dress. 

dress: Dress Culture
shoes: La Pepe

sources: monsters, Chanel

October 24, 2012

ZOMG, I'm So Pretty!

Why can't I be THIS pretty in real life?!?

Believe it or not, that's actually me.

I commissioned a very talented young artist  to draw a dollified, extremely pretty version of yours truly because, well... I'm THAT vain (it should be obvious by now, yes?). Click here for her portfolio. I also made some changes on my blog. How do you like it? I wasted 8 hours of my life tweaking this site, so please don't tell me it sucks or I will hunt you down! I'm still not done, though.

Should you be interested in having your blog vandalized by me (provided it's hosted by Blogger and you love cats), do let me know. I will make it so girly, your bf/husband will want to scratch his eyes out. Wouldn't that be wonderful? He wouldn't be looking at other girls EVER again!

Back to a rather disappointing reality...

This is one of my favorite outfits to date. And yes, my thighs are that fat when the camera is on chest-shoulder level. I was too lazy to do low angle shots.

dress: Forever 21
belt: Chameleon
hat: Accessorize
shoes: New Look

October 18, 2012

Old Lady in Tutu

Would you believe that I was once nice? 

Nice is not the right word for it. Docile is. Add a pinch of sweetness, plus the eagerness to please others  and you'll get the younger version of me. It's cute, really... and pathetic too. 

What happened? 

I got older.

So, kids, when you reach my age... you'll be less inclined to succumb to the pressure of fitting into society. I'm not saying you should go completely psycho like yours truly... but if you really want to (because it's loads of fun, I tell you), feel free.

My old blog (2007-2008):

Awwwww... chocolate bunnies! So adorable! 

And here's another one. I had a "From The Readers" segment on my old blog. Check out my Mary Sue-ish answer: 

Seriously?!? I was THAT easy-going? I feel sorry for the younger me. If I were to answer this now, I'd say: 

"No, I'm not bothered. Yes, I'm superficial... and so are you, you hypocritical b*tch!"

So there. Age does not make you wiser. It simply turns you into an impatient, quick-tempered asshat. 

On an even shallower and Lizzier note, My River Island court shoes are phenomenal because, HOLY BATMAN, they can make me look very tall! Sure, this pair makes my feet feel like they're being ran over by a bulldozer with spiked steel wheels but  as long as my legs look long, I'd happily grin and bear it. 

top: Cotton On
skirt: from Singapore
shoes: River Island
accessories: New Look
bag: New Look

October 15, 2012

Confessions Of A Cat Lady

I'm taking this Crazy Cat Lady thing seriously. I was literally bouncing and laughing maniacally when I found this pair of high-waisted kitty peppered shorts. And look, I'm wearing flats!

Anyway, someone asked me these questions:

"Why do you blog?"

I created this blog to amuse myself. I quit my job back in July and I needed something to keep me entertained. 

I also blog for the attention. I mean, who doesn't like attention? It's intoxicating and it helps me sleep like a baby at night. Heh. 

I can't be the Mother Teresa of the blogosphere and claim that I'm a role model who inspires people to embrace their bitchy selves be themselves. That would be out of character. I'm a very selfish, egocentric wretch. My world revolves around me and only me. What's more, I'm biased and warped. I also happen to be unashamed of using foul language because it's fucking therapeutic.  

I can't be a full time professional fashion blogger either because my sense of fashion is unexceptional and I'm way too stingy to splurge on haute pieces. OVER. MY. DEAD. SEXY. BODY. I'd rather spend the money on testicular implants for my cats... or a nose job... or distraction osteogenesis.

I can never be Miss Congeniality who gets gazillions of invites for various fashion/beauty events. I'm far from friendly and I absolutely hate mingling with humans. They talk too much! 

It does make me more than happy to know that people read (and a few even like) Pretty/Ugly and this very fact inspires me to improve my blog (enroll in creative writing class perhaps?). However, my motives will never change. This blog is for me. This blog IS me. Most importantly, this blog is a good excuse for me to camwhore and whine to my heart's content. 

"Where do you see your blog going?"

Nowhere, really.  I have no fancy dreams for my blog. It's nothing special. Duh?! 

One of the three things will happen:

a. I'll lose interest within a few months and abandon Pretty/Ugly the way I discarded the former ones. 

b. I'll keep on camwhoring until I'm old, wrinkly and forever-despicable. Imagine the thought. Ugh. 

c. The world will end in December, according to the Mayans. 

tube top: from Isetan
high-waisted shorts: Forever 21
bow headband: Diva
bangles: Forever 21
belt: Chameleon
shoes: Paprika

October 11, 2012

How To Pose Like A Model (Wannabe) I

This is the first installment of Model Wannabe Posing Guide. Please note that this is NOT for real models. 

These poses will certainly impress your friends and family. However, they are not photo shoot exclusive. You can strike a pose while doing mundane tasks. You can pose while eating, smoking, taking a shower or vacuuming the floor. That's how model wannabes operate. We live and breathe haute couture poses. 

If you want to astonish your readers and make them realize how un-modelly and average they are, incorporate these poses into your outfit blog posts. Expect yourself to get buried in fan mails.

Let's get down to business...

1. The Tummy Ache a.k.a Colonic Obstruction

- Suck your stomach in. 
- Put both hands on your waist.
- Extend your elbows forward. I know it's uncomfortable. Stop complaining. 
- Slouch. 
- Try to look as if you're suffering from severe stomach ache or acute constipation.

2. The Backbreaker

- Stand. 
- Have your phone within reach but out of camera's frame. 
- Slowly bend over backwards, as far as your backbone will allow you. 
- If you hear a loud snap and you suddenly don't feel your legs anymore, something went wrong. 
- Call 911. 

3. The Stuck Up
This is the simplest pose, if not ho-hum, model wannabes will ever come across with. Inspired by social butterflies. It's as predictable and hollow.

- Stand
- Lean back. 
- Jut the lower torso forward.
- Look stiff and haughty.
- Scan surroundings for prospective sugar daddies.

The Shoulder Dislocator

- Stand with your back arched.
- Do an upward arm stretch.
- Stretch further until your shoulders start to hurt.
- Intertwine your hands to make it even more unpleasant for you.

5. The Burst Appendix

- Pull your shoulders back. 
- Put both your hands on your right hip. 
- Keep legs apart. Bend leg until you get cramps.
- Maintain a poker face. Scrunching up the face (as though in pain) is not pretty. 

6. The Hangover

- Arch your back and shoulders.
- Place one hand lightly on your forehead
-Place the other hand on your hip. You can also keep it loose and relaxed. 
- Appear to suffer a little. 
- You can paint yourself greenish to feign sickness. 
- For a compelling effect, smear leftover food on your clothes and pretend it's vomit. 

7. The Non Virgin Suicide

- Stand. 
- Put both arms behind you at an awkward angle. 
- Tiptoe. 
- Pitch yourself forward as if you're throwing yourself off a building. 
- Don't just lean! You can't fake falling! 
- If you bash your face on the floor without having taken a good shot, try again. Never mind the blood. It helps in making this pose look convincing and poignant. 

8. The Catatonic Stupor

- Look blank. Plain and simple. 
-Let your arms dangle freely. 
- Keep your feet slightly apart. 
- Let your head roll to one side but try not to slaver.
- You can also pretend you're a non-ravenous (and might I say chic) walking dead. Only not walking, but posing. 

9. The Scaredy Cat

- Sit on a chair.
- Fold yourself into fetal postion.
- Imagine Pedobear is about to attack you.
- Look a little frightened but still sexy, because you're a model wannabe.. and Pedobear isn't bad-looking at all.

10. The Armpit Sniffer

- Lift one arm.
- Make sure your armpit is exposed (and hairless).
- Close your eyes.
- Inhale the rosy scent.
- Look enraptured.

dress: from Korea
corset: YRYS
shoes: River Island
sunnies: River Island
clutch: Anna Nucci
bow: AMD

top: Topshop
pants: F21
shoes: Aldo
earrings: Chameleon

dress: H&M
necklace: Adore
headband: Claire's
shoes: River Island

 ***I accept donations via Paypal. I will also gladly take Krispy Kreme donuts, hair care products and upmarket canned cat food. Thanks!