November 08, 2012

Boob Myths and Shattered Dreams

Hi. My name is Lizzie. I'm here to smash your dreams to smithereens because I've been extra angry for the past few days and I hate the world even more.

I'm not really in the mood to write and I'm starting to tire of this blog so let's cut the overture, shall we?

No, breast massage does not work. It was a rumor spread by the male species (and it still is!) so that they'd have a chance to get their hands on a pair (or two, or three.. depending on their looks). Men are nefarious and manipulative. NEVER. TRUST. THEM.

Yes, birth control pills can make you up to a cup size bigger. No, it isn't permanent. Once you stop  consuming the pill, your boobs will shrink to their former, uh, volume.

No. Exercise won't increase your bust size. Do all female fitness buffs have natural, jiggly, squishy boobs? No? I thought so. Exercise can definitely tone up your pectoral muscles, but it won't make your dreams come true. Breasts are mostly composed of adipose tissue. Adipose tissue = FAT. Maybe eating cheeseburgers will help? Add supersized fries as well. You're very welcome.

No. Creams don't work either, unless it has rainbow unicorn vomit. But unicorns have long been extinct so your chances to have bigger boobs by simply applying something is almost ZERO. Sorry to break the news to you. If magic creams really did exist, there wouldn't be plastic surgeons around and cosmetic surgery wouldn't be such a lucrative industry.

Think for a minute... if breasts were THAT easy to enlarge without having to go under the knife, every woman will be tipping over everytime they stand, much less walk. Like this:



However, if you don't want to believe me and you still have a strong desire to waste your hard-earned money, I'm soon going to release a breast enhancing potion in the market. Ladies (and gents, if I happen to have  guy readers), I present to you:

Pretty/Ugly Mammoth Mammaries

Now, I know it does not have unicorn vomit but years of research and hoodoo practice have made it possible for me to concoct something potent. All you need to do is finish the entire bottle before going to bed, wriggle your toes and at the same time rub your stomach using clockwise motion until you slip into a coma and eventually suffer cardiac arrest fall asleep. Your boobies will be a C at their smallest. Some of my test subjects the volunteers even ended up with F, G, and H cups. Seriously. 

Introductory price: $ 850  for a 75 ml. bottle

Money back guarantee.

Place your order now so you can finally look like a pornstar! 






source: *anime  *bottle



23 comments:

  1. Oh, darn. Well, there goes my dreams. Hahahahaha! :D

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  2. All true...There's only one natural way to make boobs significantly bigger without a pushup bra and without going under the knife--GAIN WEIGHT. At least 20 lbs should do it.

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  3. Don't ever stop writing and updating this blog!!!!! You'd deprive the world of yet another happy escape :D hahahaha

    I have no hopes whatsoever for my boobs. They will be small forever, I'm sure. Just gotta live with it :P

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  4. I'm ok with my boobs and I don't have aspirations to be a porn star hahaha... Another funny post girl, love it.

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    1. Same here. I am pretty okay with my 36B cup size. Hihi.

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  5. This made my week! And it's just Thursday. :p I'm a 32A girl but I never wanted bigger boobs. And yes, someone told me about birth control pills boosting the bust during use.

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  6. seriously is this true? hahaha sorry im that gullible ;)

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  7. This is a little apropos of the article but I love the label you created for your magical boob potion. The design and graphics are really lovely.

    Best,
    Rachel

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  8. I sometimes wish I'm one cup size smaller. Natawa ako sa big boobie cartoon.

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  9. The only time I felt my boobs heavy and sexy was while pregnant. When I stopped breastfeeding my baby, it went back to its original, anthill-like size (OK, anthill is an overstatement)=P

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  10. Mammoth Mammaries? LOL!!! That would probably a bestseller but I'll pass. I have a hard time looking for bras as it is. Haha!

    Abi
    http://thebelatedbloomer.blogspot.com

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  11. LOL! Ang bigat nyan ah! Ganda ng packaging ng product mo ha. hihi!

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  12. Now, my dreams of becoming a porn star are finally coming to fruition... Is there any chance I could get a (massive) discount on your potion? :).

    You never fail to make me laugh :).

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  13. Hubby happens to peek on my lappy while reading your post. he thinks the cartoon is pregnant hahaha! I have a friend too who constantly whined her expensive breast cream is totally now working. will refer her your potion =D

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  14. Hahaha! I remember an episode of the Tyra Banks show where she massaged her boobs (under cover of a shirt, of course). She was showing the audience (and the whole world) her nightly ritual daw. I seriously think she has voyeuristic tendencies. =)

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  15. I seriously shivered when i saw that picture of SUPERULTRAGIANTFAGGOTBIGBOOBS.
    Well, i should be grateful for my 'tiny little ones'. They're light and fluffy. If you know what i mean.

    www.quirkitout.blogspot.com

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  16. hehe kaloka ang sarcasm mo ;P
    moral of the story is be happy with what you have ;D

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  17. I don't have big breast but I am happy with what I have. Pero grabe... ang saya talaga basahin ng mga post mo. :)

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  18. Yes you do have male readers and this one enjoys and looks forward to your posts!

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  19. Yep, the only thing I love about gaining weight are larger bewbs.

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  20. I happen to naturally be a 34K in UK sizing, and let me tell you, with any weight I've gained or lost, my boobs have stayed around the same size, unlike my mom-in law whose boobs do grow and shrink as her weight changes. I really can't imagine it!

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Behind this blog is a woman suffering from intermittent explosive disorder and chronic boredom. If you find yourself taking some of my statements a little too seriously, you might want to rethink leaving a comment. Either that or chill the fuck out.

I love cuppiecakes, by the way!

Thank you for dropping by. You're the BESTEST! ☆☆☆