You don't need to be skinny, photograph well, have fabulous bone structure and almost-symmetrical features to convince people that you're a model. All you need to do is
Real models we see on runway, magazines, and ads are genetically gifted. Normal people (like me) need to deprive themselves and exercise 24/7 until they succumb to emotional meltdown. If you aren't blessed with a naturally willowy frame, don't lose hope. We can do something about it!
a. Fast for 48 hours prior to your modeling debut. Don't consume anything aside from water. No food, no fruit juices, no vegetable consommé, only water. You want to look like a model, right? SUCK. IT. UP.
b. Mix 2 tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar in a cup of lukewarm water. Drink first thing in the morning. This will reduce bloating.
c. Wear corset and girdles. They will make you shed inches instantly. Who cares if the boning of the corset digs painfully into your ribs? Why be afraid of rupturing your bladder because there's a very high likelihood that you won't be able to pull down your girdle in time? Tiny waist is all that should matter!
a. Cropped tops to show off your protruding ribcage.
b. Statement shirts to catch people's attention. Bonus if it's loose and shows your side cleavage (front cleavage is so passé. You don't need to try too hard. You're a model).
d. Combat boots. Because you're a model and you don't need to be feminine to be chic.
e. Body conscious pieces like figure-hugging dresses, tight-fitting tank tops and pencil skirts so tiny, you'll turn blue.
f. Lastly, don't wear any undergarments! Having a visible pantyline is a mortal sin! Also, you want to show the world that you have gravity-defying boobs because you're a model. Let the average human beings turn green with envy.
a. Less is more. You're a model. You don't need to be decked out like a Christmas tree to attract notice.
b. Always wear sunglasses. Even indoors. They make you look cool.
a. Minimal. You don't want to hide your radiant, modelly skin beneath layers of makeup. You just need tinted moisturizer, powder and lip + cheek stain.
If you want to show off, however, apply dark shadow on your eyelids. You don't need to be a pro, in fact, it's ideal if you're actually unskilled:
- Take a brush (you can also use your pinky finger),
- Dab it on dark eye makeup, preferably black, and dot generously on your lids.
- Gently wipe with cotton wool.
- Don't freak out if it looks messy. It's supposed to look like that.
- Tell your friends you just came from a casting or runway show
Have a well-maintained, manicured nails because you're a model. No, you should not paint them red. Classic, French manicure is what you need.
a. Hairdo. Opt for unflaterring haircuts. Never mind if it does not suit you or if it makes you look like a coconut. You're a model. You're bold and distinctive.
If you're not willing to chop your hair off, just put it up in an untidy bun. UNTIDY --- to give the impression that you don't really care about looking scruffy because you're a model. Scruffy is sexy.
b. Don't forego hair accessories, especially hats. The weirder the better.
You can wear an ugly hat because you're a model.
You can wear a winter hoodie in summer because you're a model.
Heck, you can even wear a shoe on your head and people will think you're fashion forward!
Or your favorite plush toy.
a. Put edible stuff in your bag normal people won't even look at like low calorie + lowfat + low sugar + low sodium granola bar, celery sticks, and carrots. REMEMBER: you don't need to eat them. However, you need to make sure people know that you only eat rabbit food and nonfattening, awful-tasting nibbles. It's very important to make others feel inferior because they don't have your model self-control.
b. Smoke. Because you're a model. And you're badass.
c. Have this faraway, distracted look on your face. Because you're a model and probably a fine artist. People would think you're rehearsing appropriate expressions for your next photo shoot.
|No. Those aren't cellulites. Those are my ribs starting to stick out. Because I'm a model wannabe.|
d. Never smile. Smiling makes your cheeks look fat. It also makes you look approachable and that's a no-no. You're a model
wannabe and you should not consort with average people.
e. Never be seen eating in public. If you feel the need to be "be seen" in a restaurant:
- Order a salad with oil-free vinaigrette dressing.
- Whatever happens, DO NOT EAT THE SALAD!
- Push it around your plate for about 15 minutes.
- Watch how people around you stuff their faces.
- Get the bill, pay and leave.
- Go home.
- Order a pizza or a Big Mac.
- Go home.
- Order a pizza or a Big Mac.
Easy as pie, right? Everyone can be a model! If things work out for you, do let me know. I accept donations via Paypal. I will also gladly take Krispy Kreme donuts and hair care products. Thanks!
Our lessons are not over yet...
UP NEXT: How To Pose Like A Model
top: H&M, F21
sunglasses: Aldo, River Island, Chameleon
shoes: F21, River Island
hats: from Switzerland (ugly hat), Claire's (winter hoodie)
bag: New Look