October 09, 2012

Anatomy of a Model (Wannabe)


Do you have what it takes to be a model wannabe? Are you willing to turn heads? Are you prepared to part the crowd like the Red Sea without looking like Moses? If you have what it takes (e.g. guts, self-loathing, and more guts), read on.

You don't need to be skinny, photograph well, have fabulous bone structure and almost-symmetrical features to convince people that you're a model. All you need to do is surround yourself with gullible individuals follow these simple steps.


FIGURE

Real models we see on runway, magazines, and ads are genetically gifted. Normal people (like me) need to deprive themselves and exercise 24/7 until they succumb to emotional meltdown. If you aren't blessed with a naturally willowy frame, don't lose hope. We can do something about it!


a. Fast for 48 hours prior to your modeling debut. Don't consume anything aside from water. No food, no fruit juices, no vegetable consommé, only water. You want to look like a model, right? SUCK. IT. UP.

b. Mix 2 tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar in a cup of lukewarm water. Drink first thing in the morning. This will reduce bloating.


c. Wear corset and girdles. They will make you shed inches instantly. Who cares if the boning of the corset digs painfully into your ribs? Why be afraid of rupturing your bladder because there's a very high likelihood that you won't be able to pull down your girdle in time? Tiny waist is all that should matter!



FASHION
Clothes




a. Cropped tops to show off your protruding ribcage.

b. Statement shirts to catch people's attention. Bonus if it's loose and shows your side cleavage (front cleavage is so passé. You don't need to try too hard. You're a model).

c. Ripped jeans to display your rebellious side. Camel toe effect is a plus.

d. Combat boots. Because you're a model and you don't need to be feminine to be chic.

e. Body conscious pieces like figure-hugging dresses, tight-fitting tank tops and pencil skirts so tiny, you'll turn blue.


f. Lastly, don't wear any undergarments! Having a visible pantyline is a mortal sin! Also, you want  to show the world that you have gravity-defying boobs because you're a model. Let the average human beings turn green with envy.


Accessories

a. Less is more. You're a model. You don't need to be decked out like a Christmas tree to attract notice.

b. Always wear sunglasses. Even indoors. They make you look cool.



FACE VALUE

Makeup



a. Minimal. You don't want to hide your radiant, modelly skin beneath layers of makeup. You just need tinted moisturizer, powder and lip + cheek stain.

If you want to show off, however, apply dark shadow on your eyelids. You don't need to be a pro, in fact, it's ideal if you're actually unskilled:

- Take a brush (you can also use your pinky finger), 
- Dab it on dark eye makeup, preferably black, and dot generously on your lids. 
- Gently wipe with cotton wool. 
- Don't freak out if it looks messy. It's supposed to look like that.  
- Tell your friends you just came from a casting or runway show


Nails

Have a well-maintained, manicured nails because you're a model. No, you should not paint them red. Classic, French manicure is what you need.

Hair


a. Hairdo. Opt for unflaterring haircuts. Never mind if it does not suit you or if it makes you look like a coconut. You're a model. You're bold and distinctive.

If you're not willing to chop your hair off, just put it up in an untidy bun. UNTIDY --- to give the impression that you don't really care about looking scruffy because you're a model. Scruffy is sexy.


b.  Don't forego hair accessories, especially hats. The weirder the better.


You can wear an ugly hat because you're a model. 



You can wear a winter hoodie in summer because you're a model. 



Heck, you can even wear a shoe on your head and people will think you're fashion forward!



Or your favorite plush toy. 






FIRST IMPRESSIONS


a. Put edible stuff in your bag normal people won't even look at like low calorie + lowfat + low sugar + low sodium granola bar, celery sticks, and carrots. REMEMBER: you don't need to eat them. However, you need to make sure people know that you only eat rabbit food and nonfattening, awful-tasting nibbles. It's very important to make others feel inferior because they don't have your model self-control.


b. Smoke. Because you're a model. And you're badass.


c. Have this faraway, distracted look on your face. Because you're a model and probably a fine artist. People would think you're  rehearsing appropriate expressions for your next photo shoot.

No. Those aren't cellulites. Those are my ribs starting to stick out. Because I'm a model wannabe. 
d. Never smile. Smiling makes your cheeks look fat. It also makes you look approachable and that's a no-no. You're a model wannabe and you should not consort with average people.


e. Never be seen eating in public. If you feel the need to be "be seen" in a restaurant:
     
- Order a salad with oil-free vinaigrette dressing. 
-  Whatever happens, DO NOT EAT THE SALAD!
- Push it around your plate for about 15 minutes.
- Watch how people around you stuff their faces. 
- Cringe
- Get the bill, pay and leave.
- Go home.
- Order a pizza or a Big Mac. 



Easy as pie, right?  Everyone can be a model! If things work out for you, do let me know. I accept donations via Paypal. I will also gladly take Krispy Kreme donuts and hair care products. Thanks!

Our lessons are not over yet... 

UP NEXT: How To Pose Like A Model 




top: H&M, F21
sunglasses: Aldo, River Island, Chameleon
jeggings: Topshop
shoes: F21, River Island
hats: from Switzerland (ugly hat), Claire's (winter hoodie)
bag: New Look

37 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHHAHAHAH!Lol-ed all throughout.

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  2. You just convinced me to be a wannabe model! Lol But seriously, I always have lots of fun reading your stuff. I heart the photos and chuckle worthy ideas!

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  3. Time check, 7:01AM. You just made my day, Lizzie! :)

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  4. You are soooo funny! I like the side boob shot... sultry! Can't wait to read about "How to Pose like a Model"

    xoxo
    MrsMartinez

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  5. This made me laugh... but seriously, ze sideboob shot made me jealous. You're so hot. haha. :P And as always, love the photos. :)

    Maggie
    http://morbidfrank.blogspot.com

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  6. Reminds me of Kate Moss. hahaha! :P

    Actually...the plush toy headdress looks nice. :)



    http://www.dekaphobe.com/

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  7. Bwahahahaha! I should do me one of this kinda post. Hahaha! And I used to model for a living but this was FUNNY!

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  8. Hahahaha.... This post made my day. I didn't realize being a model is this hard, dang, I don't want to be a model!

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  9. I will keep all your teachings in mind Love. You do it like a pro! HAHAHA! :)) I enjoyed this article of yours. Can't stop laughing at "Camel Toe Effect" LOOOOOOL!! This is exactly why I love and adore you!

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  10. HAHAHA! OMG, sarcasm at its best! :))

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  11. hahaha, you are so kulit! andyou really look like SAM here :)
    nice post...kaaliw!

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  12. "Heck, you can even wear a shoe on your head and people will think you're fashion forward!" - ahahahahaha. Another hilarious post. I'm your fan! :D

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  13. I wanna be a MOW-DEL! Please please more tricks! :))

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  14. OMG! Tawa ako ng tawa!!! Love the last photo with the shoe!

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  15. Satire is love, haha!
    Looking forward to the next lesson! :D

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  16. HAHAHA Ang cute mo!! I love the "side boob" efffect lol <3 love your tips! Enjoying your blog!!


    Rovie
    The Bargain Doll
    :)

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  17. had me jaws dropping at every line. lol. i wanna do that "side boob" effect and ohhmegoshhh on that "camel toe!"

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  18. wow! it looks like I am reading about my niece. So now I know she may possibly be a model wannabe :) Like your post, so humorous, can't wait for the next lesson :)

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  19. I'm loving you more and more!!! :D Hahaha.. Now, I don't want to be a model anymore :))

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  20. Great tips, these can be useful to me before when I called myself fashionista, hahaha...

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  21. ha..ha..ha!!! very entertaining and I love this post. It's humorous but true! I can't do what models "must" do....I can't wait for the next lesson:)

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  22. You are so witty! The way you present your blog post, it is totally awesome! Sarcastic, funny and so smart :)

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  23. Messy hair and general scruffiness? I'm a model na pala and I didn't even know it!!! Hahahahaha!

    Can't wait for the next lesson. I want to see the hands on the hips while namimilipit like you have to go number 2 really badly (aka high fashion pose)

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  24. side booooooooob!!! i would be flaunting my side boob if i had any *sigh*

    we do have the same sense of humor haha! we're like a match made in blogging heaven... or purgatory. we might not make heaven with the way we think... or talk... or being ourselves... O_O

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  25. I LOVE THIS POST! Good job.com! ahahaha!

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  26. oh btw, you just gave me an idea for a funny post ahahaha i haven't done in ages! mind if i copy your idea mine would b how to be a "Beauty Blogger" or "Makeup Blogger" Makeup Artist wannabe ahahha! !

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  27. love love this satirical approach!

    that is why when I get invited to fashion shows, I always opt to dress up like one of the bridesmaid - court shoes and chiffon dresses. just to make the message clear i have no wish to be a model wannabe hahaha

    I love fashion but I love my curves more.

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  28. LOL! Gave up wanting to be a model ages ago because a day without food is not just for me, I'll die!

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  29. Hahahahaha! "Smiling makes your cheeks look fat."

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  30. Oh no! I definitely don't have what it takes to be one! Huhuhu.

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  31. i love you and you're humor! you're really very witty heck, you had me laughing all the way. and now, i find myself back-reading through your blog posts. your blog is like a breath of fresh air and i love every bit of it :)

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  32. Hey, two questions: how do you have such drastically different hair in different posts? (I'm guessing wig, but they look very real!) Second, where is the faking tall post? I click on it but it is not to be found.

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    Replies
    1. Hello. I collect wigs. :) My real hair is poufy and curly (now cut short).

      I just checked my Faking Tallness post and it's still online.

      Delete
  33. Hi haha naloka ako sa model wannabe hahaha so witty and ur pretty too hahaha.. Naka relate ako dun sa 'don't wear undergarments"cuz sometimes i don't wear one I;m flat chested and yes smoke cuz im partly smoker and wanna be quitter!! haha your blog rocks so cool haha

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Behind this blog is a woman suffering from intermittent explosive disorder and chronic boredom. If you find yourself taking some of my statements a little too seriously, you might want to rethink leaving a comment. Either that or chill the fuck out.

I love cuppiecakes, by the way!

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