I'm Classy

The F word is beautiful.

It's also therapeutic. According to studies, cursing helps alleviate pain. Want  proof? Try cutting your right pinky finger and simply say "ouch!". Cut your other pinky and cry out "Holy fuuuuck, it hurts like a motherfucker!". Which experience do you think is more bearable? Go on, try it and let me know what you think. 

Moreover, it is one of the most compelling, expressive and emotionally scarring terms on the planet. 

example:

(novice)  Why are you so mean?

(competent) Why are you so mean? What the hell is wrong with you? 

(GOD) Why are you such a fucking douchebag? Get the fuck out of my face or I'll cut you! 

Most importantly, it's good for my heart as well as other people's health. I'd rather say FUCK than wring someone's neck. I wouldn't want to strain my fingers. 

Ever since the F word and I have become BFFS, I can't recall how many times I've been told that my predilection for expletive laced sentences (when I'm feeling honest and emotional) is not classy. I don't understand why some people are so consumed by their never-ending desire to be classy. Who the fuck are they trying to please? What are they trying to prove? For what purpose? 

I'm aware that profanity is rather juvenile and according to the politically correct folks, tasteless and uncivilized...  I don't fucking care. Truth is,  I'd rather be uncouth yet still have the freedom to illustrate my point without having to pop a Xanax than be civilized/classy yet be enslaved by societal expectations in order to gain the respect or admiration of irrelevant (and generally judgemental) people. 

Society and classy people can go fuck themselves. 

Hello, Commoners

My hooman is not here. Her medicashuns make her stoopid and half dead as half dead as the lizard I played with this morning.  I own teh computer nao.  It's akshully very comfy, especially the keyboard.

Here are my pichoors, doing effortless poses. I'm prettier than all of you combind.


P.S.

My hooman got a widdle fat. Don't tell her I told you or she will punish me and feed me ONLY twice today. The horror! I'll starve to death! I need nomnoms elebenty times a day!

Dress Like A Fashion Blogger (Part I)

Fashion Bloggers are stars people look up to. Although the fashion blogging scene is already saturated with ah-mazeballs fashionistas, it's not too late for you. You can still get noticed. It doesn't take much to upgrade your blogosphere status from anonymity to greatness. I just don't do it because I'm allergic to fame. I shine bright like a diamond even with commonness. The world is not ready for me.

Even if you don't make it to the top, you can still get invited to events and hoard freebies, you greedy, limelight-hogging you  express your artistic side through fashion and inspire ordinary, unimaginative people. C'mon, do humanity a favor and hang yourself follow the two basic steps below.

1. Start with a simple ensemble. 
Age-inappropriate  Baby tee, skirt, beret and OMFG-me-so-nerdy lensless glasses combo is cute enough but forgettable in every way. You need to stand out. Remember, you are a fashion blogger. You need to be creative!

 

No. Posing cutesy patootsy will not help. Your outfit is still boring.

No. Just no! Every 6 year old is dressed like this.

2. Fuck it up. Experiment!   

  

Be bold! Be unpredictable! Be fashion forward! The crazier, the better! If it doesn't make sense, then you're on the right track. Pretend you're a mentally handicapped blind person raiding a Salvation Army rejects bin.

Ditch the beret. It's so unoriginal. Create a pom pom out of tissue paper and make it an eye-catching headpiece. No one will see that coming! You will be known as the epic hair accessories pioneer.

Erratum: Those are ice cream shoe clips.

Drop the geek glasses too. They're sooo overdone. You wouldn't want to look like you're trying too hard.  Start your own trend instead... like the sanitary pad bracer I'm wearing in the pictures. It has this WHOA factor. It's totally unexpected. It's a symbol of femininity (because, duh, sanitary pad is used to absorb all the nasty stuff from your uterus every month) and strength.

Adding surprising twist to your belt and shoes is also good. You want to be as retarded distinctive as possible.People are generally fascinated by rubbish quirky things anyway. Also, layering is a must. It doesn't matter if it makes you look fat or moronic. 

And oh, NEVER EVER forget those cocktail rings so enormous, you would break your own jaw if you happen to accidentally slap yourself.

There you have it. What are you waiting for? Grace us with your phenomenal sense of fashion, you sexy thing!

Let me know if you want me to make DIY tutorials for the sanitary pad bracer and toothbrush sash.

Toodles!